How to Egg

Now that Wotsit Hitler has gone, it’s time to democratise power even more – so I’m sharing with you my method to achieve Egg, so you too can be as fulfilled and happy as me.

Egg is my favourite breakfast recipe. It’s creamy, it’s dreamy and it’s perfect to smurgle on top of lavishly buttered toast. Failing that, you can Jackson Pollock it all over the American flag because the Egg-Spangled banner has more of a ring to it, I’d say.

To achieve egg, you will need only two ingredients.

Egg – use more or less egg depending on how hungry you are

Butter. Lots. Must be salted.


A nonstick frying pan is best for this. Also, note that this is not an *instant* recipe and if you’re using any more than 6 eggs, you’re going to want to be either ok with you own thoughts (lol) or whack on some relaxing whale song as you’re gonna be stirring for at least 10 minutes.

Put your pan on the hob and turn the heat down on a medium ring to the absolute lowest it’ll go. Put a large splodge of butter in the pan. I’m talking buttery biscuit base here, sat-fat wankers. Be generous. Biggest knob you could possibly imagine.

While that’s melting, beat your eggs with a fork, whisk or hairbrush until they’re well and truly combined. I do not like random stringy bits of mucus-like whites in my dreamy creamy eggfest and neither should you.

Add you eggs to the pan. You should see the butter swim up the sides, and that way you know you’ve got the fat level correct. Stir the butter through the eggs, yes…stir…creamy…dreamy…well done. No keep stirring, stir-boy. DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT turn the heat up. You will regret it because your eggs will not be creamy.

Now stand there, Baldrick, and stir it. Figure of eight patterns work best, and your ideal stirring implement is a wooden spatula. Be patient. The slower you achieve egg, the better, as evidenced in Aesop’s famous fable, the Hare and the Egg.

After around 5 minutes, you’ll start to see things thicken up. Another 4 or so minutes (if you’re using a socially acceptable amount of egg: 4-6 units) is when I like them done. They should be very creamy, just cooked through and nearly holding their shape when pushed to the side of the pan. Now, I’m no egg dictator but I think any more than a minute or two over this point is too much but I suppose you’re probably an adult and can decide for yourself.

Just kidding, if you’re here for non-creamy eggs, you’ve got the wrong recipe. I am the nanny state.

As soon as it’s to your liking, turn off the heat and scoop egg onto its awaiting vehicle; flag or no flag. Scronkle some black pepper on the top and some flaky salt. Congratulations! You have achieved egg.

Democracy is in safe hands again.

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