I Review Other People’s Reviews of Waitrose Products In A Cyclical Display of Arseholery

This post was going to be for a savoury pancake recipe with a leek, gruyere and bacon filling. But then, when I was googling where to buy Taleggio cheese for a different recipe I have in mind (no, you can’t “just use cheddar” and yes, I’m aware this is a student recipe site), I came across a goldmine of spaffingly good content. I knew that sharing my poncy french-ish cooking would have to wait for a later date. You guys don’t want recipe ideas for goodness’ sake – you want to ridicule the upper-middle classes with me online, while being painfully aware of the irony that this entails.

So here it is: on the Waitrose website, people actually bother to review everyday products like milk and potatoes. And I’ve taken the time to find the best ones so you too can realise it’s not only the lower classes who can’t spell. It’s a magical display of boomer obliviousness, and it’s really made my day so far. Praise be to all of the Judys, the Keiths and the Jackies who provide us with such entertainment. Blessed are the cheese-haters.

1. Trifle

Mortuary Attendant doesn’t think you should eat this trifle if you can’t control your own insulin levels. I love him and his savage parenthesis.

2. Yogurt

Jogost is describing his latest poo.

3. Sausages.

You know when you’re trying to reach the word count on your essay? Yeah, that. Also she’s not quite figured out the rating system either, which is brilliant. And what the bloody hell is a cider sausage? Sounds like a condom full of appletiser to me.

4. Chorizo Sausages

Err, spoiler alert for my chorizo sausages? Well done Marichelle, I hope you’re happy with yourself.

5. Eggs

Could have been a good pun, Missus, but 0/5 for execution.

6. Milk. Yes, MILK

This has brexiteer written all over it. Maybe that one star represents the UK striking out on its own from the nasty, horrible EU. Also this reeks of Edinburgh Uni essay feedback, which often goes “Well structured, excellently argued, some outstanding points made – and LOVE the stylistic charm by the way. Score: 60/100.” Savage, Wive, savage.

7. Spuds (Maris Piper if we’re being specific)

A lot to unpack here, Janey. Imperatives? Declaratives? Who knows. Janey is chaotic neutral but I’m a bit scared now. Do not boil in water and tasty.

8. Ed Sheeran

9. Cucumbers

Argh! They’ve become self aware!

I only spent 15 minutes looking for these. There’s loads. If you can find me some better ones – funnier perhaps, more entitled or even just more nonsensical, I’d love to see them. Sorry that you’re not getting a recipe this week but this is much more entertaining. You’ll get your Keith-Floyd-on-Acid style bollocks soon. Big love.