A note from the editor (hello, yes, that’s me)
In my last few posts, I’ve subtly hinted that y’all are welcome to send me in any recipes you feel to be worthy of Student Cuisine for the Gloomy Teen fame (which involves roughly 30-60 people on the internet reading them). One man has taken me up on this offer of promised culinary stardom, and his name is James Kavanagh. He’s formatted his recipe with far more care, precision and effort than I will ever see in my lifetime, and it looks WONDERFUL. It’s a bit more involved than my usual ‘slap it in a pan and call it sandra’ mentality but now we all have time on our hands, let the cooking commence! His insta is @cookingkav BTW – go check it out. And dm me if you wanna be featured!
Satay Oh-thank-god-they-haven’t-run-out-of-Tofu Wraps
Hey! It’s me, James Kavanagh, your local bouldering hipster out here with a recipe to turn away the quarantine blues and save you now that Tesco is out of pasta.
See, the beautiful thing about this whole situation is that no-one thinks to buy the niche foods still. Naturally now I’ve said that everyone is going to decide that coriander seeds are essential to their diet, but for now, you should still be able to get pretty much everything in this recipe from the shops, and it’s not actually as spenny as you’d think! A lot of it is mega interchangeable too, so just have a play around and find what bits are your faves!
You’re gonna be needing:
1 pack Tofu (I went for the Tofoo Smoked, but reckon the plain should work better actually)
1 tbsp Peanut Butter
2 tbsp Soy Sauce
1 tbsp Sesame Oil
1 tbsp Brown Sugar
1 tbsp Dried Basil
1 tsp Chilli flake
1 white onion
1 clove of garlic
Smol boi of ginger
The rest of the marinade from the Satay Tofu
Some white cabbage
Mustard and coriander seeds (optional)
Some rice wine vinegar
100g Quinoa and Bulgar wheat mix (can substitute for p much any grain but obvs getting normal stuff atm is a bit tricky, and it isn’t actually that spenny per portion at all)
400g Veg Stock
Yogurt (optional but heavily suggested)
Alcohol of your choice
Step 1: Get yourself vibing
In case anyone somehow wasn’t aware, I obnoxiously load my Instagram stories with music (I know you love me really <3)
Get yourself in the mood with a playlist of your choice. I opted for some indie to keep the vibes chill, but if everything starts going tits up, flip on the DOOM 2016 soundtrack to truly rip and tear the cabbage. Also, preheat the oven to 220 deg C!
Step 2: Matriculate the Marinade
Well, that looks pleasant.
Chop your pack of block of tofu up into nice large chonks, I got 12 out of ours. Sling all the marinade ingredients in a bowl, give it a mixy mix, toss in the tofu and then straight into the fridge – job (half) done. The longer you can leave this, the better the f l a v o u r.
Step 3: Patronise the Pickle
I have no idea what I’m doing.
Right, I’ll be honest – I’ve never quite been able to get the hang of a quick pickle. Unlike other issues I may face in life, I can happily get something going for months, but haven’t quite been able to work out how to do it in a few minutes. If you’ve got some pickled cabbage already, chances are its gonna be better, but if not here’s an attempt?
Finely chop your cabbage and peel a carrot, and then carry on peeling it into shavings (do not do what I did and proceed to drop it on the floor and have a little cry). Meanwhile in a smol saucepan, heat up some water, rice vinegar, and sugar (water to dilute, vinegar for pickliness, sugar for sweetness – play around till you get something you like). Once it’s boiling, combine everything in a bowl, and pop in the fridge for as long as poss.
Step 4: Crack open a Cold One
“Oh my goodness there’s this microbrewery on Easter Island that’s just to die for”
It’s past 5 o’clock on day 5 under the dome and you successfully haven’t eaten the flowers today. You’ve earnt this.
Step 5: Query the Quinoa
I didn’t take a photo of this one cos I got lazy after the beer. RINSE your quinoa (if you don’t you’ll regret it) and add the veg stock, bring to the boil and cover for 15 mins – after that, when you start to see holes on the surface, turn off the heat and leave to rest for 10 mins at least.
Step 6: Serenade the Sauce and Toast the Tofu
Ah, a little bit of the bubbly.
HOT DAMN IT’S ALL HAPPENING NOW. Finely slice the onion and mince the garlic and ginger, and get it all frying in a saucepan – you want to get the onions caramelising before adding the a r o m a t s. Once that’s done, take out your tofu and lay it out on a baking tray, adding the remains of the marinade and enough water to dilute it down into the saucepan. Bring the sauce to a boil and reduce, and stick the tofu in the oven for 25 mins, turning halfway.
Step 7: Try not to go insane
You’ve now got about 25 mins to kill before it’s go time. Why not try…
…having a quick fingerboard session? Get those gains rolling!
…summoning the toilet roll gods? Cuthuloo is known to barter triple ply in return for lost souls.
…toasting your corn wraps? (No really, do this – they deserve the loving warmth.)
Step 8: Imbibe the Ingredients
Oh yeah, it’s all coming together.
Take everything out of the ovens and fridges and cupboards and prepare to c o n s u m e! I topped my wrap with some feta, Jade with yogurt, and frankly she made the better choice (but I got the better photo hehe).
None of this stuff will freeze very well alas, but it makes exceptional lunches for the next day – assuming any’s left!
Enjoy isolation friendos and pls do not break the furniture or your heart, proceed to love and eat well. ❤
Satay tuned for the next installment, gloomers.