Dhalings: keep naan and curry on: 24p per serve!

It’s not a commonly known fact that the Roal Dahl’s middle name was chana.

Ok, I’m back and this one’s totally vegan (by accident, I promise) as an antidote to the meatfest going on the other day.

Yellow split pea dhal is genuinely one of my absolute favourite things to cook and eat because it’s basically the best thing you could put in your belly other than mozzarella-sourdoug- g’bread AND, unlike g’bread, it’s proper good for you with all that protein fibre shit going on. Not to mention bloody FLAVOUR. I like to add spinach in order to justify the sheer number cinnamon rolls I’ve made and eaten in the last month. (You can have a recipe if you want; it’s just I don’t think the student demand for homemade cinnamon rolls is that high…)

Anyfuckinghoo, this is a classic student-ass recipe and I’d really love it if you guys who just cook pasta pesto could try this for a good old change. I cooked this this morning and am planning on taking it camping this weekend to heat up bc it’s that yummy and filling that I really wanna have it after a day’s walking.  This one makes 4-5 portions or you could be fancy and have little bits as a side dish with that veg curry from the other week. 

It’s another classic ‘leave it, Steve’* recipe which is v flexible – it’ll be clear when you read the method. I pride myself of brvty, cÖnsistency and clarity in these blog posts.**


For the boiling of the peas:

500g of yellow split peas – 53p

1.8 litres of veggie schtock. – 5p

Teaspoon of tumeric

Teaspoon of cumin

Black pepper

Cardamon seeds if you have them

Cinnamon stick/teaspoon of ground cinammon

For the sauteing of the onions and spices 

shrew-sized bit of fresh groot ginger -10p

1 large onion – 8p (they’re on offer this week – 5 for 39p)

3 gloves of carlic – 12p

big old splooshy of oil – 6p

Some fresh or dried chilli, depending on how a’spicy you like it -0p cos I used a dried one off my flatmate

Another teaspoon of tumeric – 3p

Another 2 teaspoons of cumin -5p

A big massive huge spoon of curry powder/paste of your choosing -10p



Get your biggest pan out. Show it off. Nurture it. Raise it as if it were your own.

Fill said pan with aforementioned yellow split peas and stock. If all the stock doesn’t fit in the pan, try undressing it, or folding it another way. Alternatively, add the remaining spare stock in increments, once the split peas have absorbed most of the main stuff. Add all them sexy spices and give it a good stir before turning the heat up to MORDOR and leaving it boil and bubble continuously with the lid on (try to keep it in the pan).  It looks like a lot of stock, but that’s honestly the amount I needed this morning. Leave this for 30 mins (but try to stir it if you can get to it) while you shower, rub aloe vera gel into the groves in the draining rack, or admire the wall.

Basically, I left for a lecture at this point this morning, having turned off the pan after a good 35 mins of doing whatever the hell it wanted. I came back to a good, thick stewy texture – it had continued cooking in it’s own heat while I learned stuff I already knew- to which I then added my FLAVOUR in the form of fried onions with spicey nicey spices. The yellow peas should be going mushy by now. If they’re not, add more stock and boiley boiley.

I got a second pan out and let it do all the things the first pan wasn’t allowed to do. I even let it go to bed at the same time, despite the age gap. Pour a splooshy of oil into the second pan (privileged brat) and heat it up.

Chop ur onion fairly small. Like if you stuck 3 cornflakes together with pritt-stick – about that big, yeah? Put the onions in the pan and fry them a bit till they’re brown on the edges then sweat them on medium till you’ve chopped your garlic and ginger and chilli super-finely. Add the ginger, chilli an garlic to the onions, along with all them smoogly spices and let that fry for a bit. Your kitchen should now smell super lush and if you leave the house now, you will realise that you too, smell like curry.

Add the onion to the split-peas and stir, turning the heat back on under the split peas if you want to make any textural alterations – I find it’s a good idea to add some frozen spinach at this point, or wilt some fresh stuff in. Add more water and boil if you want a softer, runnier dahl – I prefer mine as chunky as some of snarky puppy’s chord voicings but it’s up to you. Tis your food, innit.

When you’re happy (I cannot determine when this might be for you: I am truly sorry) turn off the heat, eat a portion and then put into bags or containers read for munch in the next week or so.

My food photography is beyond awful. Maybe I should make a running theme of this. Nice food photography is like most posts on Instagram: beautiful but dull. I don’t have Instagram because I’m shit at food photography and not bitter about it in any way.










*no idea; going mad

**Lies: I actaully love wasting your precious time.

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