JUST THE RECIPE

The Recipe

Ingredients 

• Tin of soup (any)
• Egg
• Wallace and Gromit’s The Curse of the Ware-Rabbit on DVD
• The bulb from the light inside your car’s glovebox
• A savoy cabbage
• Salt to taste

Method:

1. Open the tin of soup and throw it against the nearest wall. 

2. Tenderly place the egg inside the empty soup tin and leave it there for 23 years. 

3. Using a pair of chopsticks like a smaller version of a giant pair of chopsticks, pick up the bulb from the glovebox light and place it in the hole in the centre of the Wallace and Gromit DVD. 

4. Being careful not to dislodge the bulb from the hole, use the edge of the DVD like a guitar plectrum to individually peel the leaves off the cabbage. This should take you around 5 minutes, possibly up to an hour depending on your oven, which has absolutely nothing to do with the process. 

5. Stop bloody complaining about the food blogger’s life story because without an appropriate introduction, or you’ll just end up with completely uncontextualised waffle and also they need it for SEO so Google recognises it’s a recipe.

6. When the egg is done, scrape the soup back into the tin and wrap the tin with the savoy cabbage leaves. Sing it a lullaby for a little bit until the whole thing turns a deep golden brown.

8. Buy ‘The Flavour Thesaurus’ by Niki Segnit if you really want to know to to do with the two random ingredients in your fridge completely ad-free and without any of that ‘life story’ you do so love to mock on Twitter. Or any other bloody cookbook for that matter.

9. Season everything to taste and calm down. It’s only a recipe.