An ode to sausage and bean stew

The best thing to do sir,

when you haven’t a clue, sir

is make stew from the humblest pig

With a stove and a pan, sir

and tomatoes in cans, sir

Those flavours are going to be big

*

With your onions chopped fine,

plus a bottle of wine

and white beans from the cheapest of tins

all you need now is the meat from a sow

or a swine, or the rats by the bins*

*

(*for all those confused, that’s a joke I’ve just used, which the next stanza stands to correct.

If you want more of those, I’ll write some more prose, but I hope you enjoyed the effect.)

*

I must make clear here,

That before we go near

The cooking utensils or hob

You’ll need quality bangers,

or you’ll end up with a clanger,

and that’s not just me being a snob

*

So you’re ready to go sir,

Oh wait oh, no, no, sir

I seem to have drunk all the wine

Fear not, dear Fliss

For we knew you’d get pissed

There’s another Bordeaux; you’ll be fine

*

So, start with the onion in fat,

Add salt and dried basil’n that,

Go slowly, senpai,

For you might make me cry,

If you burn any bits like a twat

*

Next, you’ll be going all phallic

But not before chopping some garlic

tá brón orm faoi sin

whoops, that’s slipped in

got alliums confused with gaelic

*

Squeeze the sausages out of their skin

And break up in the pan; add some vin.

The whole thing should hiss

And this is *chef’s kiss*

Add the garlic and joy should begin

*

When the pig bits are suitably brown,

Add tomatoes and stir it around

Add bay leaves and wine

To the glorious swine

Put the lid on and turn the heat down.

*

For hours, you can let this stuff simmer,

When you lift the lid, pig fat will shimmer

Please treat it with care, the fat’s meant to be there

Removing it won’t make you slimmer.

*

Just a few minutes prior to serve,

Or fewer if you’ve got the nerve,

Slop the beans from their tin,

They’re going all in

That’s only what this stew deserves.

*

If you’ve followed til here

(my god, I could cheer)

I should prob’ly describe what you’ve got

You’ve got the rusty brown hue

Of sausage-laced stew,

Sitting pretty in your trusty old pot.

***

Recipe, serves 2-3

Fry an onion in oil or butter with some salt and dried basil until it’s translucent. Squeeze 6 high-meat content sausages out of their skins and tip them into the pan, breaking them up with a wooden spoon. Keep the heat on medium and allow the fat to render out of the sausages, then turn the heat up and let them brown. Add two or three fat cloves of thinly sliced garlic (féach, tá an magadh ar ais!) and fry it all til the sausage meat is looking lush. The add about a glass of red wine and let it evaporate. Add a tin of chopped tomatoes, another glass of red wine, some random number of bay leaves and put the lid on to simmer for anywhere up to 3 hours. I say this because you’ll probably be hungry by then. An hour will do just fine.

Before serving, add a tin of white beans (cannellini, butter bean or haricot) and stir through til hot. Don’t do this before, or they’ll break down if you’re using the ones in water.

Serve with greens, heaped onto crusty bread. Yas.