The best thing to do sir,
when you haven’t a clue, sir
is make stew from the humblest pig
With a stove and a pan, sir
and tomatoes in cans, sir
Those flavours are going to be big
With your onions chopped fine,
plus a bottle of wine
and white beans from the cheapest of tins
all you need now is the meat from a sow
or a swine, or the rats by the bins*
(*for all those confused, that’s a joke I’ve just used, which the next stanza stands to correct.
If you want more of those, I’ll write some more prose, but I hope you enjoyed the effect.)
I must make clear here,
That before we go near
The cooking utensils or hob
You’ll need quality bangers,
or you’ll end up with a clanger,
and that’s not just me being a snob
So you’re ready to go sir,
Oh wait oh, no, no, sir
I seem to have drunk all the wine
Fear not, dear Fliss
For we knew you’d get pissed
There’s another Bordeaux; you’ll be fine
So, start with the onion in fat,
Add salt and dried basil’n that,
Go slowly, senpai,
For you might make me cry,
If you burn any bits like a twat
Next, you’ll be going all phallic
But not before chopping some garlic
tá brón orm faoi sin
whoops, that’s slipped in
got alliums confused with gaelic
Squeeze the sausages out of their skin
And break up in the pan; add some vin.
The whole thing should hiss
And this is *chef’s kiss*
Add the garlic and joy should begin
When the pig bits are suitably brown,
Add tomatoes and stir it around
Add bay leaves and wine
To the glorious swine
Put the lid on and turn the heat down.
For hours, you can let this stuff simmer,
When you lift the lid, pig fat will shimmer
Please treat it with care, the fat’s meant to be there
Removing it won’t make you slimmer.
Just a few minutes prior to serve,
Or fewer if you’ve got the nerve,
Slop the beans from their tin,
They’re going all in
That’s only what this stew deserves.
If you’ve followed til here
(my god, I could cheer)
I should prob’ly describe what you’ve got
You’ve got the rusty brown hue
Of sausage-laced stew,
Sitting pretty in your trusty old pot.
Recipe, serves 2-3
Fry an onion in oil or butter with some salt and dried basil until it’s translucent. Squeeze 6 high-meat content sausages out of their skins and tip them into the pan, breaking them up with a wooden spoon. Keep the heat on medium and allow the fat to render out of the sausages, then turn the heat up and let them brown. Add two or three fat cloves of thinly sliced garlic (féach, tá an magadh ar ais!) and fry it all til the sausage meat is looking lush. The add about a glass of red wine and let it evaporate. Add a tin of chopped tomatoes, another glass of red wine, some random number of bay leaves and put the lid on to simmer for anywhere up to 3 hours. I say this because you’ll probably be hungry by then. An hour will do just fine.
Before serving, add a tin of white beans (cannellini, butter bean or haricot) and stir through til hot. Don’t do this before, or they’ll break down if you’re using the ones in water.
Serve with greens, heaped onto crusty bread. Yas.