porrdige “Yeah I’m actually super-into nutrition and veg and all that”

*adds chocolate to breakfast cereal on a daily basis*

Porridge. Horrible word, delicious taste. If you do it properly. So many, sadly, have been scarred by crap porridge: lumps, gungy texture, even burn bits on the bottom. Oh, and no flavouring apart from white granulated sugar. Shite.


Porridge can be quick, creamy, filling and most of all: bloody tasty. I do mine in the microwave and it turns out great every time, which is EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE SO FAR AT UNI. No joke. How am I not bored of porridge? Well, I use a shed-load of different flavourings and toppings, some of which I’ve pictured here:


Not pictured: anchovies, goats’ cheese and chilli flakes (JOKE)

So what I’m gonna do, right, is give you porridge-hating chums (and you porridge loving chums who say they have no time for porridge) a decent method of making porridge in under 3 minutes, in the same bowl you’re going to eat it out of (read: I can’t be arsed to wash up in the mornings). Then, you can add your own stuff. But I’ll give you some suggestions anyhoo and cost everything (hint, porridge costs like no money)


4-5 big spoons of porridge oats. I am smol so only need 4 heaped TBSPs but if you are a lanky boi you might need more. – literally not joking when I say this costs 2.25 PENCE. Here’s the maths – 1KG porridge oats is 75p; 75/1000 = 0.075; 4TBSPs = 30g; 30 x 0.075= 2.25!

1/3 of a glass of tap water – FREE

Around 1/2 a mug of milk (of your choosing) – 12p

Some sort of sweet thing like 1 teaspoon of brown sugar – 2p

What u do

Put your oats in a bowl that is not made of metal.

Pour over your water so the oats have just soaked it up and they still have dry patches. For some reason, this makes them creamier and mememier than if you just make it with milk.

Add your milk so that it covers the oats about 90% – you should just be able to see the tops of the oats peeking out.

Give it a good stir and put it in the microwave for 2 and a bit minutes (I do mine uncovered because I like to take risks in life). It should be quite bubbly and puffy after 2.5 minutes so take it out and stir stir stir. This is the secret to good porridge; stirring it loads makes it super creamy. I stir mine for nearly a minute.

At this point you can determine whether it’s too thick or too thin for you. I think this method does it just perfectly but if it’s too thick, add milk and stir; if it’s too thin, put it in the microwave for another 30 seconds.

Sprinkle over a teaspoon of sugar if you’re dull or some chilli powder if you’re not. Or read below for some nice topping ideas.

Here are some examples of my favourites:

  • Double cream, nutmeg, brown sugar (bc I like my breakfast to be interchangeable with dessert)
  • Frozen raspberries (cheaper than fresh by a long way), dark chocolate, chopped nuts
  • Cinnamon, honey and nuts
  • Linseeds, mango (on offer!) and honey
  • cadbury hot choc powder
  • Peanut butter and honey
  • Blackcurrant jam – great colour!
  • All of the above in one bowl (I have actually done this – omitting the mango and jam –  before going on a day-hike in the highlands. I almost couldn’t finish it…almost)


As you can see, there is a running theme that I like scrummy things on my porridge. You can choose whatever you like. I have a feeling that stewed fruit such as apples, pears or rhubarb would be really nice with this too. Up to you really. But it’s bloody yummy whatever you put in it.

porridge 2

My actual breakfast this morning – porridge base with 2 square of dark chocolate stirred in at the end, handful of frozen rasperries (heat from oats melts them pretty quickly), linseeds, and some crushed walnuts. Cost: 45p










One thought on “NO ONE LIKES OVERNIGHT OATS: HERE’S THE REAL DEAL. 16p per serve.

  1. I have just started eating porridge for breakfast, I’m 57, hated the idea of it since a bad experience in a dodgy hotel in Glasgow in the 1980’s. I have it with syrup and nutmeg but I like the idea of chocolate. I know you wrote this years ago but I’m working my way through your back catalogue


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